Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
🙁
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man