Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.