What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?