Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*