My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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There is no try. There is only give up.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Happy birthday to all the women
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok