We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Every BBC series about the universe.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.