Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.