Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.