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My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Smells like a challenge to me
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…