I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
do u think theres a butter planet?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
What the dentist sees
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.