People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
True freaking story!
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.