[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
is it earth
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’