Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
our love story in four pictures
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Selfie
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.