Siri, fight Alexa.
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[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
So inspired right now.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.