9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away