Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA