Whoa 😂
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Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Breaking news:
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
there’s probably a fee though
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!