Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
“Huge”.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.