Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
You Might Also Like
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise