I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
They got Raph!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again