“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
You Might Also Like
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.