My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.