Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*