turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
plums roundup
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.