Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.