My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
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A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
the #horror is real!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.