Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine