My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?