Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
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A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Current mood: Potato
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
When they try to steal your moment.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting