Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
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You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please