So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit