I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Hmm, not sure about this change
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on