It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye