When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”