Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
You Might Also Like
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys