Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.