I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!