I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
You Might Also Like
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’