An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.