If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair