[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Self-cleaning conscience
Stop sending me this shit.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.