[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.