My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
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Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
doing your own taxes
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.