I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
worst…sale…ever
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]