[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
You Might Also Like
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.