“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
それは草
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!