*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Care for your back
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.