The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
You Might Also Like
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: