It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Ffs laughed out loud 😂