2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.